where is safe for the magic woman?

being in my late twenties has been the most psychedelic, confronting time in my life.

it’s in these last couple years that i’ve come eye to eye with how i was raised, and how deeply the patterns of my family have impacted me. it has felt like ecstasy and forgiveness and horror and lightness of being and death all at once. usually every day.

the main impact from growing up in an abusive family system i’ve come to accept is the lack of safety i have felt inside of myself. my mind has often felt like a war zone.

and then there is the kind of hot burning grief that could melt boulders. i grew up with three brothers, aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents all around me and now, by my own choosing, i speak to none of them. it was like cutting off multiple limbs.

so much has been lost. and yet i have to remind myself that much has also been gained, because in that system i had to deny my Soul, my Truth, every glimmer about who i wanted to become, to be accepted. i had to deny the feminine and burn off every part of me that had an autonomous voice — those pesky rebellious truth speakers that simply cannot live underneath the dark cloak of denial.

this Soul sacrifice is never worth staying connected to anyone — even blood. i’ve had to make gut wrenching decisions and walk through excruciating crossroads to save myself from becoming another pattern.

to exile myself from my tribe in order to live authentically, in order to find my voice apart from familial conditioning, has proven to be the real kind of heroines journey. along with grief, there have also been mountaintops of ecstatic fucking joy and some next level glory. and of course, rage.

the question i ask myself now, approaching 30 in the next couple of years is, Where Is Safe For The Magic Woman? (as i do believe trauma gives us magickal powers, but that is for another time.)

a huge part of what happened in my family was the exploitation, pedestalization, abuse, and then discard, erasure and scapegoating of women. this pattern is quite common. it’s like this.

woman is worshipped and pedestaled for her beauty and feminine power by man.

eventually, the same man does something shitty. said woman attempts to hold man accountable. said man uses his wealth, power, and influence to abuse, discard, and scapegoat woman.

or. woman is worshipped and pedestaled for her beauty and feminine power by man.

eventually, the man, instead of tending to the womans power like he would a garden, seeks to exploit and siphon her power for his own gain. he sucks the life out of her through sex, through breadcrumbing, through narcissism and gaslighting and manipulation, through his own unconscious fear of the mysterious power of Woman — how it could never compare to his.

the woman either lays down and accepts it, sacrificing her Soul to stay connected to the system that only wants to subtly destroy her. or, she leaves, and ventures off into the forest of her own Soul — and dares to face the unknown.

many women do not make it to the latter. they unconsciously prioritize the illusion of safety instead of facing the unknown, thus, they participate in their own demise.

but how could one blame them?

when we have systems in place in society that seek to control and master Nature rather than live in harmony with it, when we have disgustingly hideous brutalist architecture creating angles and shapes not found in the natural world so as to “rise above it", when we have men that are rewarded with copious amounts of resources and power in dominating Nature —

women learn to allow this same kind of control, domination, abuse, and mastery over, because women, next to wild animals, are the only species living in sync with Nature. women are Nature. our bodies were designed this way.

and our entire cultural system is set upon the idea that Nature is to be controlled and dominated, so therefore woman must be controlled and dominated.

we have associated power and material gain with men who use, abuse, exploit, and dominate. thus, we unconsciously still believe that our only way to power, to our own personal glory, is to do the same to others, or have the same done to us.

but i do believe there is another way.

you hear people say things like “just play the game!” of the culture. “just play the game!” of social media. “just play the game!” of society. “just play the game!” of making money, having power, living life. i try to play these games and literally want to die. until i remember —

the “game” of culture, is not the game of the Universe. thank the LAWD.

the game of culture breeds followers and mindless consumers and women who end up addicted, alone, miserable, lifeless clones of the billions of dollars that is spent on marketing to their insecurities - women who never really become full of themselves. it’s built upon history, upon our minds, upon what was — therefore it cannot create anything new.

we give our power and energy to this system through things like damning the old.

further, the game of the Universe is one of limitless possibility. in the game of the Universe, the patriarchy doesn’t even fucking exist. it is no longer relevant. the learned helplessness and fear and trivial insecurities and incessant self doubt that is programmed into women is irrelevant. the slate is clean. the possibilities are endless because it’s beyond history, beyond what was and the stories of the mind...it is a nourishing intimacy with the present moment.

and in this present moment, none of your history, your trauma, or your limiting beliefs exist. because these are only sensations of past energy and have nothing to do with your current reality.

when we are connected to the present moment in this way, we are connected to limitless possibility where our pasts no longer define us, where the stories of women being burned at the stake no longer exist, and we take up the pen of our destiny and create a new culture.

this is the essence of magick.

this is the essence upon which every kind of power - material, spiritual, relational, creative — exists.

and embodying this magick requires a radical shift in consciousness that strays from collective norm. it asks for a torrential level of slobbery cry, down on your knees humility that is the willingness to forgive ourselves, our past, and God for the cruelties of the world, of our childhood, of existence itself. it is the bravery to throw away ones defenses, ones bitterness and resentment at life, and to instead audaciously open ones heart to be touched by the grace of God.

so Where Is Safe For The Magic Woman?

well, right here.

we have the opportunity to create cultures and worlds and ecosystems where we no longer feel the need to burn ourselves at the stake or crucify ourselves for having power because of old fears. we no longer need to be afraid of power or associate it with being a cracked out narcissistic psychopath.

women having power changes the world.

and we have the opportunity to usher in a new paradigm of being truly powerful, as in, synced to the rhythms of nature and our bodies, connected to our Souls.

we no longer need to sacrifice ourselves as energetic food for systems built upon authoritarian thievery that only steals, kills, and destroys the magic within us.

we no longer needed to accept the breadcrumbs of faux power or proximity to power with abusive men or bowing down to any external daddy or system in order to survive or flourish.

the magic that you are as a woman has the potential to birth whatever kind of world your little heart desires.

but to wield it… you must continually come back to right here.

because are you in danger in this moment?

probably not.

are you powerful AND safe in this moment?

i’d venture to say yes.

start there. start here.

feel your heart. feel into your vision.

and stay with it.

wear it like skin. eat it like nectar.

it’s coming, if you keep choosing it, and keep letting the old ways die.

throw away the burden of your self hatred and resentments and pick up the grace of God. it is sufficient.

fuck the matrix.

❤️